I feel like I’ve lost my body.
I tend to forget how I’m supposed to be in control of it.
Lately I am just a soul, drifted by the wind.
I try to assure myself by saying that it’s okay to feel this way — “At least I still have my soul..”
But then I am afloat. A homeless soul.
I am here, but I’m also not.
“Breathe in and contract every muscle that you can, and by the count of four: release..” — It amazes me how a simple routine of breathwork grounds me, how the practice brings me back to reality. It’s like pinching myself from a long ass dream. I am awake — at least for now. Isn’t it very simple? To remind ourselves how to breathe when we’re too caught up with everything that’s happening in our lives?
✼
I was probably losing it, and I just didn’t know it — for what inflicts a soul when it’s stripped off of its home? It is left with no choice but to take what is there — to feel and to feel some more and to feel less, until there’s not much difference between sadness and happiness. I began to ask why not much of the things that make me happy, make me happy anymore. I’ve lost my own touch. Is this one’s rite of passage to age, to maturity? But why does it feel like murdering my inner child?
Besides becoming physically irresponsible with appearance, I saw myself losing touch with anything tangible. Detachment was second nature — with friends, with family, with lovers, with belongings and sometime with hopes and dreams. I saw myself slowly losing grip on things I used to hold on so dearly, and I don’t say that loosely for most know how stubborn I get when I claim it to be mine. Now, I catch myself putting a different meaning to the phrase “letting go”, and that used to break my heart but lately the heart could not find enough room to pity for myself anymore.
But the fact that I am crying as I write this assures me that I have not turned into a robot or a plant. That I still care about me.
Maybe I just have to get through this to go through it.
Maybe I just have to get through this to go through it.
Maybe I just have to get through this to go through it.
